


My Immortal

by Bored_trash, Henrydefencesquad (Bored_trash)



Category: My Immortal, Secret History - Donna Tartt
Genre: M/M, a very poorly written sex scene that I may have cried editing, bunny's not a bigot he's a rival love interest, drug use in like one sentence, ill add more characters as they appear, im sorry if this has been done before heehee, my immortal if it's richard papen, yeah i hate myself for this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:36:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 12,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23776213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bored_trash/pseuds/Bored_trash, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bored_trash/pseuds/Henrydefencesquad
Summary: Hi my name is Richard Papen and I have short brown hair that crinkles like paper (that’s how I got my name) with golden streaks and blonde tips that reaches my ears and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Timothee Chalamet (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Morrisey but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a heterosexual white male but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a classics student, and I go to a liberal arts college called Hampden in Vermont where I’m in my first year (I’m twenty). I’m a softboi (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly tweed. I love the thrift store and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a fancy shirt with matching monogrammed cuffs and tweed jacket, khaki trousers and black dress shoes. I got the jacket from Judy Poovey. I was walking outside Hampden. It was autumn and cloudy so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of proles stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
Relationships: Camilla Macaulay/Judy Poovey, Edmund "Bunny" Corcoran/Henry Winter, Edmund "Bunny" Corcoran/Richard Papen, Francis Abernathy/Richard Papen, Richard Papen/Henry Winter
Comments: 39
Kudos: 104





	1. Chapter One

Hi my name is Richard Papen and I have short brown hair that crinkles like paper (that’s how I got my name) with golden streaks and blonde tips that reaches my ears and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Timothee Chalamet (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Morrisey but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a heterosexual white male but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a classics student, and I go to a liberal arts college called Hampden in Vermont where I’m in my first year (I’m twenty). I’m a softboi (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly tweed. I love the thrift store and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a fancy shirt with matching monogrammed cuffs and tweed jacket, khaki trousers and black dress shoes. I got the jacket from Judy Poovey. I was walking outside Hampden. It was autumn and cloudy so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of proles stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Richard!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Henry Winter!

“What’s up Henry?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard Judy call me and I had to go away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm enjoying this too much

The next day I woke up in my dorm room. It was cloudy and raining again. I opened the door of my room and drank some whiskey from a bottle I had. My bed was oak wood and it had a tweed duvet cover with little pictures of Greek gods on the border. I got out of my bed and took off my giant The Great Gatsby t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a linen shirt, a light blue blazer, brown dress shoes and a snazzy bow tie. I didn’t put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears because I have too much internalised homophobia for that, and didn’t brush my hair.

My friend, Francis woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his wavy ear-length bright orange hair and opened his ocean blue eyes. He put on his The Smiths t-shirt with a long black coat, silk scarf and pointy high-heeled boots. He put on his makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner) but I didn’t because again I am too repressed to do that. 

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Henry Winter yesterday!” he said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Henry?” He asked as we went out of my dorm and into the dining hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” He exclaimed. Just then, Henry walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, The Orion Experience are having a concert in Hampden.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love The Orion Experience. They are my favorite band, besides The Cure.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.


	3. Chapter Three

On the night of the concert I put on my black dress shoes that I had just polished. Underneath them were ankle socks with a portrait of Dionysus on them. Then I put on a tweed jacket with all these sewn-on sentences saying ‘look I’m wearing tweed I’m rich please believe me’ on the back and front. I put on matching dionysus gloves on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I reread the Great Gatsby and fantasised about Camilla, my manic pixie dream girl. I listened to the Orion Experience while reading. I did NOT paint my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner because I am repressed. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some whiskey I stole from Francis so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Henry was waiting there in front of his car. He was wearing a Lana Del Rey t-shirt (she would play at the show too), baggy tweed trousers and a MATCHING tweed jacket.

“Hi Henry!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Richard.” he said back. We walked into his expensive vintage car (the license plate said DI0NYSUS) and drove to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to The Cult of Dionysus and Orpheus Under the Influence. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to The Orion Experience.

“I’m feeling devious  
You’re looking glamorous  
Let's get mischievous  
And polyamorous  
Wine and women and wonderful vices   
Welcome to the cult of DIONYSUS.” sang Orion (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Orion is so fucking hot.” I said to Henry, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Henry looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Henry sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Orion and he’s going out with someone who doesn’t know anything about Greek mythology due to the inherent classism of classical education. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Henry. After the concert, we drank some brandy and asked Orion and Linda for their autographs and photos with them. We got concert tees. Henry and I crawled back into the car, but Henry didn’t go back into Hampden college, instead he drove the car into……………………… the forest next to Francis’s country house!


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gets a bit spicy in this one ;)

“HENRY!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Henry didn’t answer but he stopped the car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Richard?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Henry leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Henry kissed me passionately. Henry climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took off my top and I took off his clothes. I even took off my tweed jacket. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Julian!


	5. Chapter Five

Julian made Henry and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“What were you thinking!” he shouted.

I started to cry tears of wine down my pallid face. Henry comforted me. When we went back to the castle Julian took us to Camilla and Charles who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the woods!” he yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you know we should never return to the scene of a crime!” exclaimed Camilla.

“I’m almost as sexually repressed as Richard and even I’m not stupid enough to do that!” yelled Charles.

And then Henry shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”

Everyone was quiet. Julian and Charles still looked mad but Camilla said. “Fine. Very well. We won’t push you off the ravine.”

Henry and I went upstairs while the Greek class glared at us.

“Are you okay, Richard?” Henry asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to my dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a silk shirt with white lace all around it but not black high heels because I have internalised misogyny. When I came out….

Henry was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘Brutus’ by The Buttress. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


	6. Chapter Six

The next day I woke up in my dorm. I put on khaki trousers that was all ripped around the end and a matching shirt with pictures of cigarettes all over it and black dress shoes. I considered putting on two pairs of Greek letter earrings, and two crosses in my ears but did not due to the aforementioned repression. I spray-painted my hair with red so it looked like red wine.

In the dining hall, I ate some cheesecake bunny had stolen from the fridge from a girl on financial aid with whiskey instead of water. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the whiskey spilled over my top.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with straight blonde hair with golden streaks in it. He wore glasses just like Henry’s. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy youngest son of a bank president accent. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m sexually repressed so I didn’t get one you sicko.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Edmund Corcoran, although most people call me Bunny these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I’m one of those types of rich people.” he giggled.

“Well, I am asoftboi.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Henry came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed the story slightly so now julian found them in the woods bc Bunny HAS to be the rival love interest he just has to

Henry and I held our pale white hands as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Dionysus rings on my nails (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Bunny. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Henry. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Henry. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took off my top. Then I took off my extra tweed jacket that I always wore underneath it and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

“Oh Henry, Henry!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Henry’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Bunny!

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Henry pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. 

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Henry ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Bunny’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Julian and the Greek class.

“BUNNY CORCORAN, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.


	8. Chapter Eight

Everyone in the Greek class stared at me and then Henry came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

“Richard, it’s not what you think!” Henry screamed sadly.

My friend Camilla smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her short ear-length blonde hair and opened her grey eyes. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Camilla and Charles’ parents died soon after they were born. Their real parents were rich people and one of them was a lawyer but a car crash killed them both. They still has nightmares about it and are very haunted and depressed. She has converted from christianity to worshipping the Greek gods so she is allowed into the Greek class.

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Julian demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

“Henry, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Bunny!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

“I don’t know why Richard was so mad at me. I had went out with Bunny (I’m bi and so is Richard) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Marion, a stupid preppy fucker. We are just good friends now. He has gone through horrible problems, and now he is gothic.” (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

“But I’m not going out with Henry anymore!” said Bunny.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the woods where I had lost my virility to Henry and then I started to bust into tears.


	9. Chapter Nine

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Henry for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Henry.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and blood everywhere and everything started flying towards me on a tractor! He was wearing a red plaid shirt and it was obvious he never studied classics. It was…… the farmer!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then the farmer shouted “Dionysus sucks!” and I couldn’t run away because I was frozen with rage.

“Pleb!” I shouted at him. The farmer fell off his tractor and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

“Richard.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Bunny Corcoran!”

I thought about Bunny and his sexy eyes and his light brown hair and how his face looks just like Zac Efron. I remembered that Henry had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Henry went out with Bunny before I went out with him and they broke up?

“No, farmer!” I shouted back.

The farmer gave me some poisonous mushrooms. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Henry!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

The farmer got a Jesus-for-a-guy-that-thinks-you’re-better-than-me-for-studying-classics-you’re-pretty-stupid look on his face. “I hath ghost powers.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Bunny, then thou know what will happen to Henry!” he shouted. Then he drove away angrily on his tractor.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Henry came into the woods.

“Henry!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing a creased shirt and his glasses were knocked astray.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hampden together making out.


	10. Chapter Ten

I was really scared about the farmer all day. I was even upset when I went to class. I love hearing about Ancient Greece because they weren’t so sexually repressed back then, unlike me.. People say that we’re satanists. The other people in the class are Francis, Bunny, Henry, Charles and Camilla. Only today Henry and Bunny were depressed so they weren’t coming and we got absolutely hammered instead. I knew Henry was probably reading Homer and howling at the moon and Bunny was probably watching his favourite film, Alvin and the Chipmunks. I put on a white linen shirt that showed off my lack of musculature and tight khaki trousers that said 'Whore for Dionysus’ on the butt. You might think I’m a slut and you’d be right.

We were translating the Odyssey and at the end of the chapter I suddenly bust into tears.

“Richard! Are you OK?” Francis asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, the farmer came back from the dead and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Bunny! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Henry and is a himbo. But if I don’t kill Bunny, then the farmer, will fucking kill Henry!” I burst into tears.

Suddenly Henry jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser pleb fake Homer fan!” (c is dat out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Henry started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We translated for one more hour. Then suddenly Julian walked in angrily! His eyes were all disappointed and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Richard, Bunny was found at the bottom of the ravine. He’s dead.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just realised you don't have to write chapter titles they're formatted automatically I'm a fool in a man's shoes

“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! Camilla tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Julian chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started crying and then I reread the Great Gatsby. Tears got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on Asleep by The Smiths at full volume. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on my favourite tweed jacket with the sewn words that say I’m not poor all over it sadly. I put on brown clogs with pictures of Dionysus on the ends but not six pairs of earrings because you know the drill by now. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Charles was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Cloke was masticating to it!

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED!” I screamed putting on a tweed towel with a picture of Jay Gatsby on it. Suddenly Henry ran in.

“I’ll blame Bunny’s death on you!” he yelled at Charles and Cloke. I took my poisonous mushrooms and threw them at Charles and Cloke a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Julian ran in. “Richard, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Charles and Cloke and then he whispered something under his breath and suddenly…

Francis ran outside and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know, Francis? You’re just a little classics student!”

“I MAY BE A CLASSICS STUDENT….” Francis paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A MEMBER OF THE CULT OF DIONYSUS!” He threw the feral cat at Cloke.

“What the fuck.” Cloke said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where the feral cat had bit him. 

“GO AWAY!” I yelled in madly.

Cloke held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough of Charles’ hangover cure ice cream floats.

“Why are you doing this?” Cloke said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his leather jacket.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to push him off a ravine too because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Francis said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his hand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of some obscure opera song.

“Because you’re consumed by Dionysian madness?” Cloke asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was an absolute mad lad.

“Because I LOVE HIM!”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried writing this

I was about to eat the poisonous mushrooms that Henry had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

“Hi Richard!” I thought it was Francis but it was Bunny. 

I stopped. “How are you still alive?”

“Julian’s a fucking liar lmao. I fell off the ravine and he just left me for dead because of that stupid metahemeralism essay I wrote. I crawled out though.”

Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my hangover from all the alcohol I drink due to my hedonistic lifestyle. Camilla, Francis, Cloke and Charles were there too. They were going to the country house after they recovered cause they wanted to hold another bacchanal but do it without any murder this time. Julian had constipated the video camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at Cloke and Charles.

Anyway Francis came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Richard I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up latin speakers like you.” I snapped. Francis had said ‘cubitum eamus?’ to me before I joined the Greek class. 

“No Richard.” Francis says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they some kind of sex toy, you wench?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being perved on by Charles and Cloke.” Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it I added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered “May the Gods strike me down if I forsake you!”

“That’s not deep that’s a Brutus by the Buttress lyric.” I corrected him wisely.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “I love you, and if you want I’ll call you king, but why do I lie awake each night thinking instead of you, it should be me?” (4 all u cool dark academics out, there, that is a tribute!)

And then the roses turned into a huge ring of flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was whispering in greek. Now I knew he wasn’t a prep.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Henry?”

Francis rolled his eyes. I looked into the loops of flame but I could c nothing.

“U c, Richard,” Julian said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c what is n da flames u must find yourself 1st, k?”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN THAT’S GOING TO ABANDON US AT THE END OF THE BOOK ANYWAY!” Francis yelled. Julian lookd shockd. I guess he had a headache or else he would have said something back.

Julian stormed off back into his study. “U r a liar, Julian!”

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a navy blue suit that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on monogrammed ankle socks and black boots with pictures of Anne Carson on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like I was experiencing Dionysian madness (if u don’t know what that iz ur a prep so fuk off!) but I DIDN’T tput on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss because I have been made uncomfortable with gender expression which strays from heterosexual norms due to my internalised homophobia.

“You look convincingly rich, Richard.” Camilla said in a manic pixie dream girl kind of way. “Thanks you do too - I love your boyish hair and the fact that you wear men’s clothes a lot. I’m straight..” I said flirtily, but I was still upset. I read Atlas Shrugged because I hate working class people even though I’m one of them. I cried in my bathroom and put the shades on so Charles and Cloke couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to Greek class. Bunny was there too. He looked all depressed because Henry had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Henry while also blackmailing him out of his money. He was saying something misogynistic to Camilla..

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an equally sad way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Bunny had the beautiful, unwrinkled face of the complacently wealthy so much like Henry’s. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Julian who was watching us and so was everyone else.

“Bunny you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Henry but totally not in a gay way because we never made eye contact AND wore socks the whole time!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. “NOOOOO! MY WOUND FROM FALLING OFF THE RAVINE HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you weren’t injured anymore!” I shouted.

“I am but I literally fell off a ravine what did you expect.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Henry……… .the farmer has him in bondage!”


	13. Chapter 13

Bunny and I ran up the stairs looking for Julian. We were so scared.

“Julian, Julian!” we both yelled. Julian came there.

“What is it that you want now you despicable plebs?” he asked angrily.

“The farmer has Henry!” we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

“No! Don’t! We need to save Henry!” we begged.

“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what the farmer does to Henry. You view me as a father figure but I only care about my own reputation.” he said while he frowned looking at me. “Besides he liked Homer more than me anyway.” then he walked away. Bunny started crying. “My Henry! Wait I didn’t mean to say that we’re just friends” he moaned. (AN: don’t u think internally homophobic gay guyz r like so hot!)

“Its okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to cry tears of wine. Then his one brain cell decided to bless him with a thought - his first one in two months. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed.

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ll see.” he said. He said ‘The farmer was an absolute pleb”. Then…… suddenly we were in the farmer’s lair!

We ran in chanting Greek out just as we heard a croon voice say. “You trespassed on my land!”  
It was……………………………….. The farmer!


	14. Chapter 14

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTER IS EXTREMELY SCARY. VIEWER EXCRETION ADVISED.

We ran to where the farmer was. Henry was there crying. The farmer was torturing him by reading Bernie Sanders’ economic policies. Bunny and I ran in front of the farmer.

“Rid my sight you despicable members of the bourgeoisie!” he shouted as we started throwing poisonous mushrooms at him. Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. “RichardIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme.” he said. 

“Huh?” I asked.

”Richard I love you will you have sex with me? I have a thing for working class people that pretend to be rich because they’re class traitors” asked the farmer. I started laughing crudely. “What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking rural Vermonter.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood poured out of it like red wine (Dionysus would be proud).

“Nooooooooooooo!” he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

But then he revived himself……. . Then…… he started coming! We could hear his sturdy leather boots thumping to us. So we got in Henry’s car and we drove to Hampden. We went to my dorm. Bunny went away. There I started crying.

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Henry taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be convincingly rich like all da other people in the Greek class?”

“Why would you wanna be rich? Because we never have to get jobs we are filled with hubris and do shit like hold bacchanals which always go wrong. We are so fucking boring that worshipping the classics is our sole personality trait.” answered Henry.

“Yeah but everyone knows I’m poor! Like Bunny pointed out in front of everyone that I wasn’t in the yearbook of the boarding school I claimed to go to. Julian wouldn’t let me into his class if he knew I was on financial aid. Francis gets all snobby about his trust fund and now even Camilla looks at me like I’m the hoi polloi! I just wanna be insanely wealthy like you Henry! Why couldn’t Dionysus have made me absolutely fucking loadedl?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t worry Richard isn’t a snob or anything he just has a lot of internal resentment) IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.


	15. Chapter 15

“Richard, Richard!” shouted Henry sadly. “No, please, come back!”

But I was too mad.

“Whatever! Now you can go and have weird rich people sex with Bunny!” I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my oak door. It had a picture of Richard SIken on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Henry and Bunny. I started to cry and weep. I read Autobiography of Red while tears ran down my face. I drank whiskey all depressed. Then I looked at my thrifted Rolex watch and noticed it was time to go to Greek class.

I put on booty shorts that said ‘I’m wearing tweed so I’m rich’ on the ass. I did NOT put on ripped black fishnets under that because that would be going too far according to my internalised misogyny that I should probably see a therapist about. I put on a tweed blazer, obviously. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and full of hubris as usual. I did some translations. I loved that none of the female characters had a personality and were only in the passage because they were desired by a man. Suddenly Henry broke into the room, wearing a toga!

“Richard I love you!” he shouted sadly. “I don't care what those fucker preps and posers think. You’re the most beautiful man in the world. Before I met you I just translated Homer all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!.” Then……………. he started to sing “The Cult of Dionysus” (we considered it our song now cause we fell in love when Orion was singing it) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexy like a cross between Orion, Mozart, Chopin, Morrissey and Robert Smith (AN: don’t you think those guys are so hot. if you don’t know who they are get the fuck out of here!) .

“OMFG.” I said after he was finished. Some fucking non-classics students stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were NOT covered in black nail polish but were entwined with Henry’s now, so that’s progress) at them. “I love you, no homo!” I said and then we started to kiss just like Keira Knightley (i fucking hate that bitch) and Matthew Macfayden in Pride and Prejudice (2005). Then we went away holding hands (like in Pride and Prejudice (2005)). Julian shouted at us but he stopped cause the whole Greek class was clapping at how sexy we looked together. Then I saw a poster saying that The Cure would have a concert in Hogsmeade right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went together.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the swaggy comments btw! I feel v validated

We ran happily to Hampden. There we saw the stage where The Orion Experience had played. We ran in happily. The Cure were there playing ‘The Walk’. I was so fucking happy! Robert looked even sexier than he did in the pictures. Even Henry thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn’t matter cuz I knew that we were the only true ones for each other. I was wearing a tweed blazer, tweed shirt with a picture of The Cure on it, tweed trousers, tweed socks, tweed shoes and even tweed nail polish . Henry was wearing a black blazer that said ‘I’ll take care of you’ on the back, a black t shirt that said ‘It’s rotten work’, and booty shorts with ‘Not to me, not if it’s you’ across the ass. Anyway, we started moshing to A Forest. We frenched. We ran up to the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Robert pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was.,……………………….. the farmer! and the non-classics students (except for my babe Judy)!

“Wtf Henry i'm not going to a concert with you!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its The Cure and you know how much I like them and think I’m better than other people because I listen to them!”

“What cause we…you know… hold bacchanals and kill people?” he fidgeted uncomfortably cause rich people don’t like to admit making mistakes.

“Yeah cause of that” I yielded in an angry voice.

“We won’t do that again.” Henry promised. “This time, we’re going to be nice to people that don’t study Greek and educate ourselves on how inherently classist classics can be.”

“OMFG what the fuck? Are you a Bernie bro or something now?” I asked. 

“NO.” he muttered loudly.

“Are you becoming a commie or what?” I shouted angrily.

“Richard! I’m not! Please come with me!” He fell down to his knees and started singing an entire Mozart sonata to me.

I was flattered cause that’s not even got singing in it, he had to imitate piano chords just for me!

“OK then I guess I will have to.” I said and then we frenched for a while and I went up to my room.

Camilla was standing there. “Salve” she said happily (she speaks Latin so do i. dat menz ‘hello’ in Latin). “By the way Cloke that fucking poser got expelled. He failed all his classes cause he decided he wanted to go skiing instead of studying.

“It serves that fucking pleb right.” I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we were feeling the boredom that comes with being rich and without ambition. We watched some dark academia movies like Dead Poets Society. “Maybe Cloke will die too.” I said.

“Bellus.”Camilla shook her head in a quirky undeveloped female character type of way. “Oh yeah I have a confession. after he got expelled I pushed him off the ravine.

“Bellus.” I commented happily . We talked to each other in silence for the rest of the movie.

“OH HEY by the way, i'm going to a concert with Henry tonight in Hampden with The Smiths.” I said. “ I need to wear like the hottest outfit EVER.’

Camilla nodded in a manic pixie dream girl way again. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.”

“In that custom suit store, right?” I asked, already getting out some money I’d stolen from Henry.

“No.” My head snapped up.

‘WHAT?” my head spun. I could not believe it. “Camilla are you a PROLE?”

“NOOOO! NOOOO!” She laughed. “I found some cool custom stores near Hampden that’s all.”

“Who told you about them” I asked, sure it would be Henry or Francis or Bunny (don’t even SAY that name to me!). Or me.

“Julian.” She said. 

“OMFG JULIAN?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah I saw the map for Hampden on his desk.” She told me. “Come on let’s go.”

We were going to a few suit stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hampden. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN ORION EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few blazers. “We only have these for the real elite.”

“The real elite?” Me and Camilla asked.

“Yeah you wouldn’t believe how many commoners there are in this town man! Yesterday Cloke and Charles tried to buy a diamond-embossed camera pouch.” He shook his head. “I didn’t even know they had a camera.”

“OMFG NO THEY'RE GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!” I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a khaki suit. The trousers had a sexy split up to the thigh.

“Oh my Dionysus you have to buy that outfit” The salesperson said.

“Yeah it looks totally hot.” said Camilla.

“You know what I am gonna give it to you free cause u look really hot in that outfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah I am actually.” I looked back at him. “Hey By the way my name’s Richard Papen, what’s yours?”

“Far Mer.” He said and ran a hand through his subtly farmish hair. “maybe I’ll see you there tonight.”

“Yeah I don’t think so cause I am going there with my totally not boyfriend Henry you sick perv!” I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Francis drove by in his convertible looking worried. “OMFG RICHARD YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO HAMPDEN NOW!”


	17. Chapter 17

Far Mer gave us some clothes and stuff for free. He said he would help us with makeup if he wanted cause he was really into fashion and stuff (he’s bisexual). I said no due to my internalised misogyny. Francis kept shouting at us to come back to Hampden. “What the fuck, Francis?” I shouted angrily. “Fuck off you fucking bastard.” Well anyway Judy came. Hargird went away angrily.

“Hey bitch, you look really rich.” she said.

“Yeah but not as rich as you.” I answered sadly cause Judy knows how to make clothes so everything she wears is essentially designer. She was wearing an A-line miniskirt, a lesbian looking shirt and a pride badge. Camilla blushed.

“So are you going to the concert with Henry?” she asked.

“Yes.” I said happily.

“I’m going with Camilla.” she answered happily. Well anyway Henry came. He looked extremely hot and sexy and you could tell he thought I was too. Camilla was wearing a t-shirt with the lesbian flag on it. Henry was wearing a woolen suit. He has the aesthetic of a rich old man at a golf club lunch. Charles was going to the concert with the feral cat. The feral cat used to be tame but he has rabies now and just keeps foaming at the mouth. Charles was wearing a shirt with ‘no homo’ stitched across the pocket. We all secretly think he’s not straight, but he doesn’t know that. Well anyway we all went to Henry’s car that his dad who runs some shady company gave him. We did pot, coke and also drank a ton of gin. Henry and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking proles. We soon got there…….I gasped.

Morrissey was the sexiest guy ever! He looked even sexier than he did in pictures. He had short hair and wrinkles, and wore a Britain First badge like he did on TV that time because he’s a racist. We moshed to This Charming Man and some other songs. Suddenly Morrissey pulled off his mask. So did the other members. I gasped. It wasn’t Morrissey at all! It was an ugly common-looking man whose outfit cost less than £10000! ... Everyone ran away but me and Henry. Henry and I came. It was…….the farmer and the non-classics students!

“You moronic idiots!” he shooted angstily. “Richard, I told u to kill Bunny. Thou have failed. And now……….I shall kill thou and Henry!”

“No no please!” We begged sadly but he took out his scythe.

Suddenly a refined-looking old man nonchalantly wandered in. He had brown and sparkling eyes. He was wearing a subtly expensive suit that said ‘I love reducing teenagers to archetypes which eventually cause them to go absolutely off the rails’ on the back. He shouted something in Greek and the farmer ran away. It was…………………………………JULIAN!


	18. Chapter 18

I woke up the next day in my room. I walked out of it and put on the custom suit I’d bought yesterday, with the big slit up the thigh. I looked hot. I added a badge that said ‘Always a slut for a bacchanal’ and another badge that said ‘ask me about my fursona’. 

The night before Henry and I went back to Hampden. Julian chased the farmer away, which was amazing considering he’s usually abolutely fucking useless in times of crisis. We drove back in Henry’s car, which cost more than what the average person would earn in their lifetime. It had a custom paint job that said ‘I’m fucking rich. You’re fucking poor’. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to Let’s Go To Bed.)

Well anyway I went down to the dining hall. There all the walls were painted cream and the tables were made of comfortingly upper-middle class pine. But you could see that the floor was fake hardwood, peeling slightly. And there were pictures of poser bands everywhere, like Pulp, whose song Common People actually disgusted me for obvious reasons.

“WTF!” I shouted going to sit next to Camilla and Judy. They were wearing one of those couple’s t-shirts but one of the cute funny ones so it’s all good. They held hands across the table and Camilla was saying ‘I don’t care that you’re not upper class. I love you anyway.’ Judy said ‘Let’s go to my room and read Das Kapital later, okay?’ Camilla blushed and nodded. Henry, Bunny and Francis came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Orion or Morrissey or Robert Smith.. The boys joined in cause they were bi, and I joined in even though I’m obviously straight it was just for a laugh, no homo ahaha. 

“Those guys are so fucking hot.” Francis was saying as suddenly a middle aged man with a charismatic smile and everything came. He was the same one who had chased away the farmer yesterday. He had the confident aura of a person who had never truly had to work for anything, and had been massively hyped up during their formative years due to their wealth. 

“……………….JULIAN?1!” we all gasped.

“WTF?” I shouted angrily. I didn’t want him to see me next to Judy, who was a commie prole. 

“Hello everyone.” he said happily. “I just wanted to tell you that I may have to leave campus and abandon you all because I only care about my own interests. This farmer coming back frankly makes me look quite bad.”

Every non-classics student started to cheer. Well we classicists just looked at each other all disgusted and shook our heads. We couldn’t believe what a poser he was!

“What a fucking poser!” Henry shouted angrily as we went to Greek class. We were holding hands in a heterosexual way. Bunny looked really jealous. I could see him crying wine in a Dionysian way but I didn’t say anything. “I bet he’s having a mid-life crisis!” Camilla shouted.

I was so fucking angry.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unrelated to the chapter but if anyone knows how to change ur username pls tell me.... will i never b able to escape my past

All day we sat angrily thinking about Julian. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward to - the Lorde concert. It had been postponed, so we could all go.

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly, deciding to skip Greek class cause I was absolutely fucking fuming at Julian. Henry was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad at me and started passive aggressively calculating how many poisonous mushrooms it would take to kill me (aren't homicidal bi guys so hot).

“No one fucking understands me! Not even Homer!” he shouted angrily as his brown hair went in his big blue eyes like Hozier but if his eyes were blue. He was wearing a Gucci suit, which he had described as being ‘rather grand’. I was wearing a tweed jacket and matched it with a straight pride flag t-shirt, because I’m straight and proud of it. My hair was completely unbrushed and had dandruff in it because I wanted to look like a softboi. 

“Excuse me? What about me!” I growled.

“Buy-but-but-” he grunted.

“You fucking bastard!” I moaned.

“No! Wait! It’s not what it fucking looks like!” he shouted.

But it was too late. I knew what I heard. I ran to the bathroom angrily, crying. Henry banged on the door. I whipped and whepped but in a cool, emotionally unavailable straight man type of way. I TOOK OUT A CIGARETTE AND STARTED TO smoke pot, imagining that I was in a Lana del Rey music video.

Suddenly Francis came.

“You gave me a fucking shock!” I shouted angrily dropping my pot. “Wtf do you think you’re doing here?”

Only it wasn’t just Francis. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it to be Far Mer or maybe Henry but it was Julian.

“Hey I need to ask you a question.” he said, pulling out his stupid traitor purse. “What are you wearing to the concert?”

“You know who Lorde is!” I gasped.

“No I just saw there was a concert that a lot of vulnerable, pretentious classics students were going to. I need a new lot to mould into toxic archetypes since you all hate me now” He said. “Anyway Henry has a surprise for you.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the wait stardew valley has taken over my life

All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I put on some tweed lingerie with an oversized silk shirt to match. I looked fucking hot.. Lorde was going to do a concert, which I was so happy about since Voldemort had taken over the last one. I reread The Great Gatsby while I moshed to Lorde in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on some heterosexual looking clothes and moshing to Ribs. I got all mad and turned it off, but secretlyI hopped inside that it was Henry so we could do it again (in a no homo way).

“What the fucking hell r u doing!” I shouted angrily. It was Charles! “Are you gonna have sex with me but then refuse to acknowledge that it happened because you are even more sexually repressed than I am or what.” I yelled. I was allowed to say that because Francis had told us all to be careful around him and since he was sleeping with Francis but pretending he was straight.

“No, actshelly (geddit, hell, cause that’s where he’s going) can I please borrow some condemns.” he growled angrily.

“Yah, so u can fuck Francis, huh?” I shouted sarcastically.

“Fuker.” He said, going away.

Well anyway, I DIDN’T put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some maroon lipstick and white foundation, but I wished I was comfortable enough in myself to do that. Then I went. Then I gasped…………………………………………………………….Charles and Francis were in the middle of the empty hall, doing it, and Laforgue was watching!1

“Oh my god you ludacris idiot!” they both shouted angrily when they saw me. Laforgue ran away crying in french. They got up, though. Normally I would have been turned on (I luv seeing guys do it wait what no I don’t that’d be really fucking gay) but I was too angry to be. 

“WTF is that why u wanted condoms?” I asked sadistically. (c I spelled that)

“Only you wouldn’t give them to me!” Lumpkin shouted angrily.

“Well you shoulda told me.” I replayed.

“You dimwit!.” Snake began 2 shoot angrily. And then………I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything.

“Well excuse me!” they both shouted angrily. “What was that all about?”

“It was to blackmail you.” I snarked. “So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend, Charles, you can’t fuking rat me out or everyone will know you’re not straight. So fuck off, you bastard!” I started to run. They chased me but I threw a thicc copy of The Odyssey at them and they tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Bunny, looking extremely fucking hot but I only think that in an objective, not at all homosexual way.

“WTF where’s Henry?” I asked him.

“Oh he’s being a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn’t cum.” Bunny said shaking his head. “You wanna cum with me? To the concert?”

Then….. he showed me his car. I gasped. It was a tacky Gucci sports car. He said his Henry had given it to him because of the whole blackmail thing. The license plate on the front said METAHEMERALISM on it. The one on the back said RICHARDon it.

……….I gasped.

We drove to the concert hall. Lorde was there, singing.

Bunny and I began to make out, moshing to the music. I gasped, looking at Lorde because she’s an absolutely ethereal being.

. ……….And den, I heard some crying. I turned and saw Henry, crying in a corner.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some major tsh spoilers in this one!

Later we all went to the country house. Henry was crying in the dining room. “Henry are you okay?” I asked in a heterosexual voice.

“No I’m not u fucking prole!” he shouted angrily. He started to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry causeI was afraid he would commit suicide like he does at the end of the book.

“Its ok Richard.” said Bunny comfortly. “I'll make him feel better.”

“You mean you’ll go fuck him won’t you!” I shouted angrily. Then I ran to get Henry. Bunny came too.

“Henry please come!” he began to cry. Tears came down his smooth, excessively privileged face. I was so turned on cause I love insanely wealthy people (if you’re a commie then fuck off!)

And then………………………….. we heard sum footsteps! Bunny gestured to some tweed curtains, and we both hid behind them. We saw the gardener there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

“WHOSE THERE!” he shouted angrily. We saw the feral cat come. He went behind the curtains and started to meow loudly while frothing at the mouth.

“IS ANYONE THERE!” yelled the gardener.

“No fuck you you common fucking bich!” Bunny said under his breast in a disgusted way.

“EXCUSE ME! EXCUSe ME WHO SAID THAT!” yelled the gardener. Then he heard the feral cat meow. “Feral cat, did those bourgeoisie fuckers kidnap you off an abandoned lot again” he asked. The feral cat nodded. And then……………………….Bunny frenched me! He did it just as…………………….. The gardener was looking behind the curtain!1

“WHAT DA-” he yelled but it was too late cuz now we were running away from him. And then we saw Henry crying into a vintage copy of the The Republic.

“Henry!” I cried. “Are you okay? I’m asking this just in a straight way haha I’m not a fucking gay”

“I guess though.” Henry weeped. We went back to the country house frenching each other in a really platonic way. Henry and I decided to watch an opera (see isn't that cultured) on the plasma flat-screen in bed together. As I was about to put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and the feds walked in!


	22. Chapter 22

All day everyone talked about the FBI agents. Well anyway, I woke up the next day in my dorm room. I was wearing my tweed lingerie again. Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me where………………. Camilla, Charles, Henry, Francis and Bunny!

I opened my blue eyes. Camilla was wearing one of Charles’ shirts. She is so attractive when she looks kinda like a dude. Bunny was wearing a t-shirt that said ‘I hate the poor’ with a pair of Gucci trousers. Henry was wearing a black Brooks Brothers suit even though it was really warm outside. He looked really classist, which if I was gay (which I’m not) I would find absolutely fucking sexy. Bunny looked like he could’ve been a guest on the Titanic. Francis was wearing his long black coat, with a badge that said ‘I’m the only bearable person here’. Charles was there too. He was wearing a white suit that made him look angelic which is meant to be really deep symbolism that we will look back on later in the book and think ‘oh! He looks angelic but he is a really bad person! That’s so deep and not an overused trope at all’. 

“OMFG” I yielded as I jumped up. “Why the fuck are you all here?”

“Richard something is really fucked up.” Henry said.

“OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first.” I shouted angrily.

“It’s all right. We have to go now and you look insanely fucking rich anyway. You’re so fucking beautiful.” Henry said in a sexy voice.

“Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why you’re being all erective.”

“I will I will.” he said.

So I just put on my dress shoes and left in my tweed lingerie. Then I came. We all went outside the dining hall and looked in from a window. A fucking commie called Judy was standing next to us. She was wearing an outfit she’d obviously made herself, so we all put our middle fingers up at her. In revenge she threw a beer in Camilla’s face in a homoerotic way. Inside the dining room we could see Julian. An FBI agent was there shouting at Julian. The dean was there too.

“THIS CANNOT BE!” he shouted angrily. “THE GREEK CLASS MUST BE DISBANDED!”

“THEY LITERALLY KILLED A FARMER BECAUSE THEIR HUBRIS, MOTIVATED BY YOUR TEACHING, MADE THEM HOLD A BACCHANAL! NOW THE FARMER’S GHOST IS JUST ROAMING AROUND CAMPUS AND IT’S MAKING HAMPDEN LOOK REALLY BAD. OUR APPLICATION RATES ARE LITERALLY ON THE FLOOR” yelled the dean.

“YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE TEACH ANY LONGER!” yelled the FBI agent. “YOU ARE TOO MANIPULATIVE AND YOUR TENDENCY TO PORTRAY YOURSELF AS A GOD-LIKE FIGURE TO STUDENTS THAT DON’T KNOW ANY BETTER IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETIRE OR I WILL ARREST YOUR STUDENTS!”

“Very well. I was literally already on my way to the airport anyway - you know that taking any responsibility for my actions isn’t my style” Julian said with a glittering wink. “But you cannot disband the greek class. There is only one person who is capable of dealing with the farmer’s ghost and he is in the school. And his name is…………………………………………………………………..Richard Papen.”

Henry, Francis, Charles, Camilla and Bunny looked at each other………I gasped.


	23. Chapter 23

The door opened and Laforgue and the feds stomped out angrily. Then Julian and Laforgue sawed us.

“MR. PAPEN WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING! I ADVISED YOU NOT TO JOIN THE GREEK CLASS CAUSE THEY LITERALLY DESPISE POOR PEOPLE AND NOW LOOK WHAT’S HAPPENED” Laforgue shouted angrily. Julian glared at her.

“Oops he made a mistake!” Julian corrected him. “He means hi everybody cum in!”

Well we all came in angrily. I sat between Francis and Bunny. Camilla and Charles started to make some morbid jokes about pushing Laforgue off the ravine, which I don’t think he deserves despite being French. I ate some mushrooms Henry had foraged and drank some whiskey from a cup. Then I heard someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was………Henry! He and Henry were shooting at each other.

“Bunny, Henry WTF?” I asked.

“You fucking bustard!” yelled Henry at Bunny. “I want to sit next to her!1”

“No I do!” Bunny shouted.

“No he doesn’t fucking like u, you illiterate bitch!” yelled Henry.

“No fuck you motherfucker he loves me not you!” shouted Bunny. I don’t know why he said that cause I’m one hundred percent heterosexual, I love boobs I swear. And then……………… he jumped on Henry! (no not in that way you perv) They started to fight and beat up each other.

Julian yelled at them but they didn’t stop. All of a sudden…… a commie looking man in a commie looking red plaid shirt broke through the door. He looked like his head had been really badly injured. The wooden door collapsed. Judy that fucking prole started to cry. Bunny and Henry stopped fighting….I stopped eating….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent………………….the farmer!

“Richard…...Richard…..” the farmer said evilly in his rural voice. “Thou have failed your mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Bunny as well. If thou does not push him off the ravine before then I shall kill Henry too!”

“Plz don’t make me kill him plz!” I begged. I’d miss him in a platonic way.

“No!” he laughed cruelly. “Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!” Then he went away on a tractor.

I burst into tears. Henry and Bunny came to comfort me. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and dionsyian. I had a vision where I saw some snow falling and then the farmer coming to kill Henry while Henry, unaware, made out with a statue of Homer.

“No!” I screamed sexily. Suddenly I looked up and stopped having the vision.

“Richard Richard are you alright?” asked Henry in a worried voice.

“Yeah yeah.” I said sadly as I got up.

“Everything's all right Richard.” said Bunny, all sensitive.

“No it’s not!” I shouted angrily. Manly tears went down my face. “OMFG what if I’m going into a Dionysian frenzy?

“It’s ok my dude.” said Camilla. “Maybe you should ask Julian about what the visions mean though.”

“Ok bitch.” I said sadly and then we went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> want to make clear the french hating was a joke pls don't cancel me xoxo


	24. Chapter 24

Well we went to ask Julian about the visions.

“Χαίρετε everybody come in.” said Julian in Greek. He smiled at me with his twinkling grey eyes He’s the coolest fucking teacher ever. He had short brown hair with grey streaks. (He used to hang out with celebrities because of how rich he is, he’s met Marilyn Monroe and everything. He and Henry get along great) Today he was wearing a tie threaded with real gold, and a shirt that said ‘I hate the fucking poor’ on the pocket. We went inside the classroom with posters of Dionysus hung up everywhere. I raised my hand. I was still just in tweed lingerie.

“What is it Richard?” he asked. “Hey I love your lingerie where’d you get it, Brooks Brothers?”

“Yeah.” I answered (I was lying. I’d forced Judy to make them for me out of a regular tweed jacket. It had taken her an entire night. She cried a lot but I told her that if she made them for me I’d hang out with her for once. I was lying) All the proles who didn’t know what Brooks Brothers was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger. “Well I have to talk to you about some things. When do you want to do it?”

“How about now?” he asked.

“OK.” I said.

“OK class fucking dismissed everyone, for homework just go apeshit in the woods like usual.” Julian said and he let everyone go.

“OK I’m having lots of visions.” I said in a worried voice. I’m so worried Henry is going to die.

Well he gave me a crystal ball to lock in. I looked at it.

“What do you see?” he asked.

“I said I see a marble statue and a copy of The Communist Manifesto all ripped up”

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Henry. He was looking really sexy wearing one of his trademark english suits.

“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt.” said Julian.

“Bye bitch.” I said waving.

I went to Henry and Bunny was sitting next to him. We both followed Henry together and I was so excited.


	25. Chapter 25

I was so excited. I fellowed Henry wondering if we were going to do it again. I’d have to remember not to make eye contact because of bro code. We went outside and then we went into Henry’s car.

“Richard what the fuck did Julian say? I feel left out because I view him as a father figure so will become wildly jealous of your perceived closeness if you don’t tell me the truth.” whispered Henry putting his hand threateningly over mine.

“He said he would tell me what the visions meant tomorrow.” I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a decanter of red wine and I chugged the whole thing. He started to drive the car. Henry put on some Lana Del Rey.

“Heaven is a place on earth with you  
Tell me all the things you wanna do  
I heard that you liked the bad girls honey, is that true?.” sang Lana’s sexy voice. We started taking off each other’s cloves fevently, while Henry muttered the lyrics. He took off my tweed thong but NOT my socks because it’s not gay if you do it with socks on. I took off his Gucci boxers. Then……………………… he put his throbbing you-know-what in my you-know-where sexily.

“OMFG Henry Henry!” I screamed having an orgasm. We started frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it the farmer was killing the two classics students with a watering can (I could tell they were classics students because they held placards that said ‘We’re not elitist maybe we’re just better than you?’

“No! Please don’t fucking kill us!1” they pleaded but he just kept whacking the watering can at them. He ran away in a red tractor.

“No! Oh my fucking god!11” I shouted in a scared voice.

“Richard what’s wrong?” Henry asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.

I started to cry like a prole who’s just heard of Monopoly for the first time. I told Henry to call Bunny. He did it with his Versace phone. But the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream were……………………… Francis and Charles!!


	26. Chapter 26

A few minutes later Bunny came through the trees. He was wearing his ratty tweed blazer, paired with a t-shirt that said ‘MEN’S RIGHTS ACTIVIST’ on it.

“Hi Bunny.” I said flirtily as I started to sob. Henry hugged me sexily trying to comfort me. I started to cry and then told them what happened.

“Oh fuck it!” Bunny shouted angrily. He started to cry sadly. “What fucking dick did that!”

“I don’t know.” I said. “Now come on we have to tell Julian.”

We ran out of the tree and into Hampden. Julian was sitting in his office.

“Dad- I mean Julian! Francis and Charles have been shot!” Henry said while we wiped some tears from his usually stony face. “Richard had a vision in a dream.”

Julian started to cockle. “Hahahaha! And How do you expect me to know Richard’s not delusional? I mean, it’s not like he was very in touch with reality beforehand! He stinks of prole and thinks we all think he’s rich!”

I glared at Dumbledore. Henry rushed in to defend me. “Richard, don’t listen to him. You act like you’re insanely fucking rich and your dick is huge.”

“Don’t act fucking gay, Henry.” I said, smiling softly.

“Look motherfucker.” he said angrily as Julian gasped. “You know very well that I’m not delusional. Now get some fucking people out there to look for Francis and Charles - pornto!”

“Okay.” he said in a intimated voice. “Where are they?”

I thought about it. Then all of a sudden….. In a field to the west of campus. Five kilometres as the crow flies..” I said. He went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few minutes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. Henry, Bunny and I all went to our rooms together. I went with Henry to wait in the nurse's office while Bunny went to steal some more food from students on financial aid. We looked at each other’s gothic, depressed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Francis and Charles came in on stretchers……………………….and Julian was behind them!1


	27. Chapter 27

Everyone in the room started to cry happily - I had saved them, all thanks to the power of absolutely straight male friendships. Francis, Charles, Henry, Bunny and Camilla all came to hug me. I was a bit turned on NOT because four men had just embraced me but because Camilla was there. Yeah it was completely because Camilla was there. I'm straight. I had a threesome once with TWO GIRLS that’s how heterosexual I am. The nurse started to give them medicine.

“Cum on Richard.” said Julian. He was wearing a ‘Make America Great Again’ cap because on top of everything else wrong with him he voted for Trump. “I have to tell you about my prophecy..”

I looked at the greek class. They nodded.

I smelled happily and went into a dark room. Julian took out some entrails, threw them on the floor and stirred them about a bit. On the wall, I saw a certificate that said ‘CONGRATULASHIONS Julian Morrow. You are now a qualified oracle!!!’ It looked like it was from one of those dodgy websites that could probably say you’re qualified to be God or something. He said……………………… “Richard, I see dark times are near.” He said badly. He peered into the entrails. “You see, you must go back in time.” He took out a Time-Toner like Camilla had. “When the farmer went to Hampden, before he became a dirty commie, he was a classics student! Now do you think he would’ve been murdered if he hadn’t dropped out? Of course not! He would’ve been a member of the petty bourgeoisie, living in some Florida mcmansion.’ I shook my head. “You must go back in time and seduce him. It is the only way to convince him to stay in the greek class. If he is still showing prole tendencies then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it.”

“Okay.” I said sadly. I went outside again sadly.

“What fucking happened?” asked Henry and Bunny.

“Yeah what happened?” asked Charles, Francis and Camilla.

I was about to tell them but everyone was there. They were celebrating Charles and Francis being found. Everyone was proud of me but I just wanted to talk to Henry. They were cheering my name and some reporters were there, trying to interview Julian. A banner was put up. Lots of fucking non-classics students were there obviously trying to be be as swaggy as us. Even the feral cat looked happy. Judy had let off some fireworks that were the colours of the lesbian flag.

I snuck outside with Bunny and Henry.


	28. Chapter 28

We went into a black room. The walls were black with portraits of overrated classical authors like Tolstoy, Dickens and Salinger all over them. A big bust of Dionysus was in the middle. His mouth was curled into a sneer, probably caught in a thought about poor people. There were three chairs made of marble with real wine stains from Ancient Greece on them. I was wearing thigh high boots and a t-shirt dress which had a picture of the monopoly man killing Karl Marx by stuffing money into his mouth until he suffocated on it.

I sat down on one of the chairs dispersedly. So did Henry and Bunny.

“Are you okay?” Bunny asked putting his alabaster hand on mine. 

“Yeah I guess.” I said sadly. Henry also put his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my unlined lips because I don’t wear makeup that would be fucking gay. “The problem is……………………….I have to seduce the farmer. I'll have to go back in time”

Henry started to cry sadly. Bunny hugged him.

“It’s okay Richard.” he said finally. “But what about me? You’re not gonna break up with me or anything, are you?”

‘“Of coarse not! You couldn’t even break up with me if you wanted to cause we aren’t together. This is a heterosexual arrangement, we all know i’m not inclined that way” I gasped.

“Henry smiled and we frenched sexily. Bunny looked at us longingly.

Then………… I took off Henry’s Klein Epstein and Parker shirt and seductively took off his pants that were made of solid gold. He was hung like a Stallion. He had replaced the Bunny tattoo with one that said Richard on it. Pictures of commies crying were around it. I gasped. He looked exactly like Dionysus. Bunny took a video camera. (I had said it was okay before).

I took off my clothes then we were in for the ride of our life.

We started frenching as we leaned on the Dionysus statue. He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it.

“I love you Richard. Um I mean yeah this is so fucking platonic. Oh let me feel you I need to feel you.” he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Bunny filmed everything perfectly. Suddenly………………………….

“WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!”

It was………………………….Julian!!!!


	29. Chapter 29

“Oh my Dionysus!!” we screamed as we jumped away from the of statue. Julian started shouting at us angrily.

“CUM NOW!1!” he yelled. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. Julian grabbed the camera and put it in his pocket.

“Hey what the fuck!!!! Are you gay or something?!” Bunny shouted angrily.

“Yeah Julian what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?” Henry demanded all protective, looking at me longingly with his gothic blue eyes. “Look, just give back the camera. I know you’re a liability and probably the most secretly evil person at Hampden who’s just going to abandon us at the end of the story but do us this one solid.”

Julian laughed meanly. 

“Shut your mouth you insolent fools! I will not stand for this slander against me… I fucked Marilyn Monroe once I deserve RESPECT” yelled Julian. He made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these weird tools in it. Henry started to cry all sexy and sensitive because he idolised Julian to the extent that it got a bit concerning sometimes.

I started to cry tears of wine (it happens in bacchanals, Francis said so okay? So fuck you if you don’t believe me!). Bunny took out a handkerchief which repelled poor people’s tears and started to wipe my eyes.

And then……………….. he and Julian both took out guns. They started to shoot each other angrily. None of the bullets got on each other yet. I raised my hand.

“Stop!” I shouted. Julian started to scream and mumble about running away to California. He dropped the gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. I STOPPED THE CURSE. But then Julian started laughing and used his charm to distract us until we were all chained up. It sounds stupid but he told us the truth about area 51 while he was doing it so who are the real winners here? He took out a box of tools. Then he said “OK I’m going to go now.” He left, laughing evilly. Bunny started to cry.

“It’s ok Richard.” said Henry. “Everything will be alright. Remember the video you took of Julian.”

Julian laughed again and came back into the room. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111


End file.
